Two

Happy Second Birthday, my precious girl! 

What a wonderful year it has been!

This year I learned how to truly enjoy you.

I learned how to stop fighting for you to be who I'd imagined you'd be and appreciate who God created you to be. 

This year I learned how to anticipate sights, sounds, smells, and feelings that I will never fully understand. 

I learned that the world will never be the same for you as it is for me. I started to learn how to help you understand something I will never be able to fully understand. 

I learned how to set aside my tiredness, my exasperation, and even my pain to be able to offer you grace when it's the last thing I want to do. 

I learned that God is refining me through you. You make me better, but the getting there is the hardest thing I've ever done. 

You are amazing. You've always been amazing.

You are compassionate. Your heart is just like your daddy's-complete gold. You are tenacious, fierce, and completely impossible. You are perceptive, brilliant, and intuitive. You have an impeccable memory and the strongest sense of order. 

You absolutely baffle me on a daily basis. I've fully learned to expect the unexpected, both good and bad.  

I'm tired. So tired. All of the time. You keep me on my toes. You never let me rest. Most of the time I'm the only solution to what ails you, and that's just plain exhausting. Plus, the reality is that God is using you to teach me so very much that when you do finally fall asleep, my mind whirls with all that I've learned that very day. 

You are strong. You are capable. You are absolutely incredible. 

I am blessed beyond measure to have you. 

Happy Birthday Baby Girl! 

Love always, 

Momma

No Wike It

It's so hard to know how much to tell you. What to share, and what to keep to myself? At 21 months you've already been quite the challenge in childrearing, and I know that has just as much to do with me as it does you. You are always teaching me lessons I didn't expect to learn in ways I never dreamed they'd happen.  Today you made my heart swell with pride.  Let me tell you about it. 

Your brother loves to "roar". He's interested in dinosaurs, and he knows you don't like it. Generally we ask you to move to a different space if his roaring is bothering you, but when he roars AT you, we make him stop or move. 

Let me add that we have been working, working, working on "using your words" when problems arise. This is a common childhood lesson. I remind each of you to do so probably a dozen times a day.  Using your words is hard. It's even hard for adults sometimes. It's really hard when you are already mad/annoyed/upset...  And I can only imagine how hard it is when you don't actually HAVE the word for how you are feeling. 

Also, using your words requires self control. Self-control is a fruit of the spirit, which means that even Momma is still working really hard to grow it!  You, my sweet love, have A LOT of growing to do with this fruit. 

Furthermore, even under the best circumstances, using your words doesn't always affect change...especially with your three year old brother.  So, then, of course, comes the "Ask a parent for help" lesson. 

So, today, when your brother roared AT you, I fully expected you to scream, hit, flail, etc. You're still so young, and still learning. I was fully prepared to guide you through the situation and help you make it right.  But instead of doing any of those things you just looked right at him and said, "no". You were calm, firm, and certain. I was stunned, but you had no idea I had been sneaking a peek from around the corner, and what you did next amazed me even more. 

You came to find me, and when you did, you looked right up at me and said the following: "Giddy roar a me. Me no, no wike it." 

Which translates as "G roared at me. I said no. I don't like it." 

....and my jaw hit the floor. 

You exercised self-control. You used your words. You anticipated the problem continuing, and you asked a parent for help. You are 21 months old. You are amazing. I am proud of you. I love you. I look so forward to watching you continue to grow. 

You are beautiful. 

You are fierce. 

You are perfect. 

You are mine. God gave you to ME! He deemed me worthy, and called me to shepherd you. I won't pretend that I've always been confident about being your momma. You have terrified the wits out of me in your short life so far.  But I am thankful. I am so thankful, because I can already see, so clearly, that you are extraordinary.  

You will move mountains, and I will be right here loving you and answering when you are ready to "Ask a parent for help!"

Due North

Baby Girl, 

There will be a day when nearly every person you love, value, and trust, will lead you to believe your efforts would be better focused someplace other than the very thing you know is right. 

Daddy and I are working hard to turn your heart to God. We are working constantly to build in you and your brother a compass that always points to His will, His way.  We pray often that you will seek Him out, let Him in, and follow His calling. 

But this world is a mess. Nearly everyone and everything in it is pointing away from God. Pointing to things like material desires, selfishness, entitlement, and even obligation. Feeling the "need" to possess goods that put your family in debt. Feeling the "need" to reward yourself for what you are supposed to be doing anyway. Feeling the "need" to say "yes" to 100 things that aren't truly honoring to God because someone or something "needs" you. 

Once you have learned the lessons we intend to teach you about right and wrong, good and bad, once you are "grown," I won't tell you what to do. I will always welcome your questions and conversations, but I won't tell you what to do. 

Each situation you find yourself in will be uniquely yours, different from my life and my experience. I just ask that whatever you do, whatever you decide, know that it matters to God. Know that you may think you made a good decision, and He may show you how wrong you were, and that's ok. Take His lesson and learn from it. Know that every minute of every day you have a decision to honor Him or not, in everything you do. And guess what, big surprise here, you won't always get it right. You will make messes of things that were supposed to be clear cut and easy. You will upset people. You will miss the point completely. You will be completely certain you have asked the right people, gotten the best advice, made the best possible decision, and then realize a month later that you are in a total mess. You will think you have no way out, you will worry about letting people down and messing things up even more, but you HAVE to know that if you stop mid plan because you realize you are not honoring God and reroute to a path that is honoring to Him, that it is best, that it will work out, and that people will either forgive and understand, or they are the wrong people. 

We are raising you to have a compass that points to the TRUE NORTH. Trust your compass. Honor your God. 

Forgive Me, Please

Being Momma is the hardest job imaginable. 

Don't get me wrong, I love it. I wouldn't trade this time with you and your brother for anything. 

But here's the thing: my job is 24/7/365. Let's be real: nobody can be their best self all of the time. 

So, I do my best for you, but sometimes I screw it up. Sometimes my words are short, my attention is divided, and my patience is spent. 

Sometimes I reach a moment of exhausted frustration, and all I can say is, "SERIOUSLY?" Because whatever small annoyance just occurred was just the last little block my tower could balance before toppling over. 

I am not proud of it, I do not like it, I'm trying to be better all of the time. I'm trying to be a living model for you and your brother of what it means to be like Christ. And, woah, let's talk about some big sandals to fill. 

I'm learning that being a model of Christ like love to you also means being kind to myself. I am trying to let go of the guilt and regret for the moments when I lose my cool. I'm trying to show you how to ask for AND accept forgiveness. 

This stuff is hard. So stinkin' hard. But it's worth it. God doesn't call me to be perfect in parenthood, but rather to continually point you back to Him. 

I'm so thankful that babies are naturally good at forgiveness, because I certainly need a lot of it!

This is Lydiana

Lydia,
I'm not sure how it's been so long since I've written.  I'm not sure where the time has gone.  Being your Momma has been so completely different than what I anticipated.  You have pushed me at every turn, challenged every idea I've ever had about motherhood, babies, goals, sanity, priorities, and life.  I don't know how to make up for the lost time.  I don't know how to go back and tell you all of the parts that I haven't recorded from your first year of life.

Here's what I can tell you:
You are tenacious.  So.incredibly.tenacious.  I remember watching you at less than two months literally screaming with exertion as you tried to roll over.  It was evident even then that you are a fighter, and you've fought pretty much every moment since.
You are emotional.  Oh.my.goodness.SOOOemotional.  When you are happy and excited you could light the world on fire with your grin and dancing eyes, when you are hurt either physically or emotionally your pain is so clearly evident in your heart wrenching cries, and when you are mad...WATCHOUT because the kicking, screaming, fighting with all you've got is FIERCE.
You are sensitive.  I don't just mean emotionally attuned, although that is accurate as well.  Literally, your senses are on high alert every second of the day.  Lights and sights, smells, tastes, the touch of even your clothes on your skin, and oh sounds...the sound sensitivity is amazing.  I always thought the "pin drop" phrase was just a figure of speech, until the day you woke from a sound sleep because I literally dropped an ink pen clear across the house.  Someday I know that your ability to pick up on every little thing will serve you so well, but as for now it makes it awfully difficult for anyone to ever get any sleep!
You are the sweetest, silliest, most precocious little girl I've ever known.  Waking me up with mooches every morning, hugging and patting your brother when he's hurt, whimpering because you don't want him to leave the very second your Daddy thinks about getting ready for work.  Bouncing, hiding, swinging, rocking, and being upside down in every imaginable circumstance.  Rolling early, crawling earlier, walking early, running and jumping earlier, signing, speaking, mixing signing and speaking to inform me of things like the fact that I surely must not have wiped your nose well enough because you have "More (signed) (s)not (spoken)."  I've been telling you all along to slow down.  "Lydia, stop rolling, you're two months old.  Just stare at a toy." or "Lydia, stop crawling, you're four months old, BE STILL!" or "Lydia, for the love of the land, child, SIT DOWN.  You're 7 months old."  But about that time it hit me.  You're not 7 months old inside.  I just think you are because you happened to be born that many months ago.  It's become pretty obvious that you've decided you are at least two, possibly three.
You never let me rest.  You hardly ever sleep, and when you do it's not for long.  When you are awake you never stop moving.  You make the phrase "on the go" look like leisure.  You are in to everything.  You never leave any rock unturned.  If there is something to sit on, you will stand on it.  If there is something to stand on you will rock, run, or jump on/off of it.  You won't make a peep when I'm trying to convince someone that you can talk, and you won't stop talking during Christmas Eve worship...or any other "quiet" time.

I've recently started trying to night wean you, and that (of course) hasn't been anything like I anticipated.  Last night after I got you to sleep, I sat down at your Daddy's feet and bawled my eyes out.  You see, I so lovingly chose a special lullaby for you when you were still in my belly.  I've been singing it to you since before you could breathe.  JJ Heller's "When I'm With You".  Additionally, your Daddy bought you the sweetest, softest, cutest little snugly pink baby doll for your birthday.  And try as I might, using that song and that baby doll didn't do any good at all to calm you to sleep instead of nursing.  You know what worked?  Can you imagine what in the world you wanted to snuggle?  What musical rendition finally soothed your aching soul?  You fell asleep to me singing "This Is Indiana" (a song about IU Basketball) whilst clutching a basketball.  Lydia, "This Is Indiana" is NOT a lullaby.  A basketball is NOT a lovie.  You are a total nut.

 You have taken every idea I ever had about what it might be like to be your Momma and turned it upside down.  Sometimes it's incredibly hard to adjust my own expectations.  Sometimes I'm insulted that you don't like the lullaby that is so special to me.  Sometimes I just want one blessed thing to be easy with you.  Sometimes I just want to sleep more than ten seconds at a time.  Sometimes I want to just EAT the carrots instead of jousting with them first.  HOW do you come up with this stuff?  But, when it comes right down to it, I know God is using you to refine me, to change me, to challenge my delusion that I'm in charge of anything at all, ever.  He's using you to show me that all of the silly things that I thought mattered actually don't matter at all.  I had dreams of singing you that sweet lullaby, but if basketball is what soothes your soul, then loving you means singing basketball.  I had dreams of cute hair bows and sweet outfits, and at this point if I manage to keep you clothed enough to avoid goosebumps, I call it a victory.  I had dreams of holding on to your "little years" and lots of snuggles and baby moments, but you pretty much surpassed babyhood at about 7 months.  What I know is that loving you doesn't look at all like I thought it would, and it is confusing, and crazy, and absolutely amazingly awesome.  Although you make my head spin on a daily basis, I wouldn't change a single thing.  I am just holding my breath in slightly terrified anticipation of what incredible feat you will pull off next.

I haven't written to you as often as I did your brother.  I haven't written to you as often as I had planned, or as often as I would have liked to.  I've been too busy trying to keep up with you.  You're giving me a run for my money, keeping me on my toes, and changing my world every single day.  I decided I'd rather focus on seeing your stunning smile, watching your diamond eyes dance, listening to your rolling laughter, and save you from falling off of whatever ridiculously high thing you've found to climb on instead of taking the time to write it all down.  I hope you'll forgive me.  I'd love to tell you that you can just ask me about it later, but if we're being honest, I have to tell you that extreme sleep deprivation results in blurry memories.  So, I guess you'll just have to trust me when I tell you that you have been stunning from the start, and loving you has changed me in the best possible way I could never have imagined.

Love you, silly girl!
Momma

Glorious

Sweet Baby,
There's so much I don't know. There's so much God is teaching me every day.  I am so, so tired.  Being your momma has meant lots of learning and little sleep for me, but I know God is refining me, making me a better person through you.  Refining is hard, becoming a better person is painful, but it is for His glory.

I can't write much because your Daddy insists, wisely, that I get to bed very soon.  But this is the first chance I've had in a while, and I want to let you know a few little truths.

You will struggle with friendships in your life.  We all do.  But there will come a moment when you realize that He has surrounded you with exactly the people you need.  Friendships have caused me a lot of pain in my life, and there's been much I haven't understood.  However, I stand here today knowing that I am surrounded my amazing, AMAZING women of God.  Women whom he has placed in my life, on purpose, to lift me up and point me to Him when I'm struggling.  We are all so imperfect, but we are all loving each other in Christ, and that is beautiful.

You will struggle with things you don't *want* or didn't have *planned* in your life.  God reigns true over everything.  This world is His.  The plan He has for you is not flawed.  It is perfect.  That doesn't mean it won't be hard or confusing, or even downright miserable sometimes.  But it is His plan, and all things are for His glory, and he will use your misery for His good.  He makes all things glorious, even if it takes us a while to realize that they truly are.

And a little more about that glorious stuff: He made YOU glorious.  He made ME glorious.  He gloriously ordained that I would be your momma, he gave you to me to shepherd.  I am learning you.  It hasn't been easy, but together we are learning how to be the best we can be for each other.  The relationship we have was created and put in to place by Him, and it is good.  Even when it is hard, it is good, so amazingly good.

I love you, baby girl.  You are more of a blessing to me than you will every be able to comprehend.  You were created for his glory.  You are glorious.

Guilt

I keep wanting to write to you.  I keep thinking, "She'll need this someday.  I need to go type this up for her."  But wow, life is SOOOO incredibly busy.  I plan to come back to this post.  I want to tell you about your tongue tie surgery.  I want to tell you about your refusal to sleep and the effect it is having on my brain.  I want to tell you about weakness, and friendship, and prayers.  I want to tell you about Little 500 week, about The Boston Marathon Explosions, and about how completely crazy it is that you are crawling and you aren't even five months old.  But I can't right now.  I can't tell you because I have a zillion things to accomplish before our family comes for your baptism on Sunday.  I can't tell you because so much of it is still so fresh that it stings.  I can't tell you because right now I'd rather just hold you.  Today I'm not willing to miss a minute of your being little, of your needing me, of your being blissfully unaware of the evils of this world.  But I'll share with you this little note from a friend, though I pray you never need it.

"Remember, guilt does not come from God. And I'm fairly certain He does not want these high standards to come at the sacrifice of your own well being. One of the best ways to teach your children to take care of themselves is to let them see you take care of yourself. How can you fully love someone else, the way God intended (love one another as you love yourself) if you don't love yourself enough to take care of you too? Don't sacrifice yourself, you are important too!"

Love you baby girl, 
Momma